Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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