All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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