Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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