i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize
