just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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