i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
