i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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