he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Randomize
