I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize