omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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