Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
