my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
