Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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