I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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