So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize