Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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