She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
You need a sexual gate keeper
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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