just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
