yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
