Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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