I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
