Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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