every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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