Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
