nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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