i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
