I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
