I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
My ATM looks so different sober.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Randomize
