hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
