jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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