What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
