Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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