I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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