I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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