roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Randomize
