My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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