Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
