im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize