Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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