I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
