the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
