I will die if light touches me.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
