I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
