These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
