I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
