I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
