My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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