I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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