you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
