Small penises have feelings too.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
