Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize