I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
