The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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