last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
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