my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
