I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I could make wine with my vomit
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
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