Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
