my mouth tastes like poor choices
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
