It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
