How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
