I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
