We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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