it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
