I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize